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The Doorstep
Season 1, Episode 1
The Doorstep
Air date October 2012
Running time Part 1: 240 seconds
Part 2: 240 seconds


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The Doorstep is a two-part sketch in Season 1 Episode 1 of Studio C.

Summary (from YouTube)Edit

Part 1Edit

The awkward doorstep scene from a guy's prospective.

Part 2Edit

The awkward doorstep scene from a girl's prospective.

TranscriptEdit

Part 1Edit

{Mallory & Matt are walking up to the doorstep. Matt's voice-over is heard.}

MATT (V/O): Okay, okay. It's the end of the date & here comes the doorstep. Don't panic. You practiced this a hundred times with your roommates. Oh man! It looks like she's heading straight for the door without even saying good night! Don't let her go inside! Quick! Throw something at her face!

{Matt picks up a large rock. Just as Mallory starts to turn around, he quickly throws the rock away.}

MATT (V/O): {continued} Oh, she's turning around now. You're good. You're good. 

MALLORY: Well, this is me. 

MATT (V/O): Okay, now puff out your chest ever so slightly. You're strong. Remember, you cranked out fourteen push-ups before this date, & you only blacked out for a second.

MALLORY: Well, I had a really nice time tonight, Matt.   

MATT (V/O): Yeah, you did. 

MALLORY: We should definitely do this again some time.  

MATT (V/O): Yeah! Daddy's got game! 

MATT: Yeah, that'd be cool. 

MALLORY: Yeah, maybe next time we could double with your roommates or something. 

MATT (V/O): I knew you were eyeing my roommates, you frothy tart! 

MATT: Uh, that'd be awesome, although one of them is really busy & the other one is... dying. 

MALLORY: Oh wow, that's awful! 

MATT (V/O): Why are you lying?! Quick, change the subject! 

MATT: So, that darn economy, huh? 

{Mallory pulls out from her handbag her keys & starts jinglling them.}

MATT (V/O): Oh my goodness! She's playing with her keys, just like in the movie Hitch! Will Smith said that means she wants to kiss you. Wait, is that different for white people? 

{Mallory continues to jingle her keys

MATT (V/O): Oh, what luck! Her hair's blocking her face! Gently brush it out of the way... you're as smooth as silk, Maverick. Man, I wish people would call me Maverick. Okay, now lean in slowly... oooohhh no, I forgot to check my breath! Back away slowly. She didn't even notice. Way to go, Mav.  

{Stephen and Natalie enter, returning from their date

MATT (V/O): Oh, woah, woah, why are people coming up to the door? This is so awkward! {He wrings his hands} I don't know what to do with my hands... {He crosses is hands over his chest} Yeah, this feels natural. 

{Awkward silence

MALLORY: Uh, hey, Natalie. 

NATALIE: Hey. 

MALLORY: Matt, this is my roommate, Natalie. 

NATALIE: Hi. 

MALLORY: And this is... 

NATALIE: Oh, this is Stephen. We just got back from the movie theater.  

STEPHEN: Yeah, that's pretty awesome that we showed up at the exact same time. 

{Stephen and Matt stare at each other

MATT (V/O): Oh, I am not moving. If this guy thinks he's edging me out of my good night, he is wrong. Look him in the eyes. {They glare at each other. Matt's stare is intense enough to make Stephen back away} Yeah, he knows. He knows.  

STEPHEN: Well, I had a fun time, Natalie. 

NATALIE: Yeah, sure. 

{Stephen moves in for a hug, but Natalie raises her hand to shake. She then pats his head. He walks off.

MATT (V/O): Loser.  

MATT: So nice to meet you, Natalie. 

{They shake hands

NATALIE: Yeah, it's nice to meet you too. Ooh, I think I feel a chill. I'll head inside. {She goes inside, leaving Matt and Mal alone

MALLORY: So sorry about that. 

MATT (V/O): Yeah yeah yeah, and we're back. Hold the eye contact. Now give her a sincere complement. Tell her you like her... 

MATT: I like your... 

MATT (V/O): Say something. Oh please, say something. Compliment her shoes, {Matt looks down at Mal's shoes} oh, never mind. Just say something! 

MATT: -ope! I like Europe... in the spring.  

MATT (V/O): You are an idiot. 

MALLORY: Oh, you're kidding! I do too. I lived there for a year, and the spring is breathtaking.  

MATT (V/O): NEVER MIND! {Mallory continues to talk unnoticed, Matt sings a tune in his head.} Wait, is she still talking? 

MALLORY: Have you? 

MATT: ...Yyeeess... 

MALLORY: Wow, you're an interesting guy, Matt. 

MATT (V/O): Interesting, good; or interesting like a mental illness? Oh man, everything's falling apart. Just kiss her. Now! Force the eye contact! {He suddenly looks at Mallory

MALLORY: Ah! 

MATT (V/O): Okay, now move in slowly, like you're creeping up on a gazelle, no, a sleeping baby. No! Don't picture her as a sleeping baby right now. That is every kind of wrong. Oh, what is happening? I can't feel my legs, yeah, I'm blacking out again. {He collapses}. 

{PART TWO BEGINS

MALLORY (V/O): Ah, the doorstep. This part of the night always makes me so nervous and sweaty. What is that? Oh my gosh, I have something in my teeth. Holy nasty, what is that? {Matt picks up a rock and tosses it away as she turns around} Just stay calm, put it in your pocket, where it will probably grow babies. 

MALLORY: Well, this is me.  

MALLORY (V/O): Uh, what is he doing with his chest? 

MALLORY: Well, I had a really nice night tonight, Matt. We should definitely do this again sometime. 

MATT: Yeah, that'd be cool. 

MALLORY: Yeah, maybe next time we could double with one of your roommates or something. 

MALLORY (V/O): Specifically the hot one. 

MATT: Ah, that would be awesome, although one of them is really busy, and the other one is... dying.  

MALLORY: Oh, wow, that's awful. 

MALLORY (V/O): Especially if it's the hot one. He's too hot to die. Unless he dies from heat stroke. Badum pshh. 

MATT: So, that darn economy, huh? 

MALLORY (V/O): Ah, look at him, grasping at straws. So cute. Let's kiss. Come here boy! {She whistles and jingles her keys} Okay, he's obviously still confused. Do something flirtatious. Coyly put your hair in front of your face so he can brush it away. {She shakes her head to get some hair over her face. He brushes it away.} Nicely done. Okay, he's coming in now. Remember, he goes 90, you go 10, just like in the movie Hitch. Wait, is that different for white people? Oh, he's backing off. Uh, just turn this into a body roll. Yeah, fifth grade hip hop lessons really paying off now! {Natalie and Stephen enter} Oh no, what are Natalie and her munchkin doing here? Oh, look what it's done to Matt. He looks like a sad mute waiting to be buried. 

MALLORY: Hey Natalie. Uh, Matt, this is my roommate, Natalie. 

CastEdit

NotesEdit

External LinksEdit

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